Is there a worse eighties chart year than 87? Well, yes - 85, 86 and 88 all spring to mind.

And '84.

Anyway, it's another terrible week, so let's get on with it.

Labi Siffre - Something Inside So Strong: I really want to like this for so many reasons. It' s a noble sentiment for a noble cause and Labi must have had to put up with so much abuse over the years (both racism and homophobia) - and 'It Must Be Love' brings back so many memories - but this song seems to go on for years. 5/10

Bon Jovi - Wanted Dead or Alive:

"Am a cowbohh -

On a steel horse ah rahddd;

Am a-wan'-ed (wan'-ed!) -

Dead or al-aaahhhvv!"

Shit! 0/10

Starship - Nothing's Gonna Stop Us Now: one point for Andrew McCarthy; extra point for its use in the excellent 'The Skeleton Twins'. 2/10

Kim Wilde/Junior - Something or Other: 0/10

The Smiths - Sheila Take a Bow: I almost felt sorry for Morrissey this week. Getting abused by something as culturally dead as The Simpsons (especially over his personal appearance) must be like receiving opprobrium for your your general morality by Michael Gove. My Smiths and Morrissey records are stacked there, unplayed and unloved.

A pity. Sheila's ace. 8/10

Tom Jones - The Boy From Nowhere: Albert Goldman's scurrilous but highly enjoyable 'Elvis' autobiography is well worth a read, and there's a brilliant chapter where the mid-sixties 'King' sees the young, sexy Tom Jones on the telly and realises that his throne is being usurped. Elvis gets his act together almost immediately.

My goodness, this is a f***ing dreadful record. 0/10

Fine Young Cannibals - Ever Fallen in Love: I like this for some reason. Pete Shelley's song survives the FYC's angular approach, but - obviously - the original is best. 6/10

Club Nouveau - Lean on Me: I'm not even discussing this. 0/10

U2 - With or Without You: I was watching the brief highlights of Brighton v Manchester City from 1979 on The Big Match Revisited yesterday. Mark Lawrenson had been given a roving midfield role by manager Alan Mullery (who, in his excellent, but angry, Partridge-esque autobiography said that Lawrenson was the best defender he'd ever worked with - and 'Mullers' had played with Bobby Moore, remember) and Lawrenson was playing with the verve of one of the greats. 'Credit where it's due', I thought, because 'Lawro' has always made my flesh creep. Similarly, Bongo from The U2s has a similar effect on me, but every so often he came up with a decent song. Mind you, it's difficult to think of this song without thinking of THAT episode from Friends and - by association - without being physically sick. A good song, nevertheless. 7/10

Five Star - The Slightest Touch: I remember seeing a performance from the Pearsons in their pomp on one of those crappy Channel 5 (tautology klaxon!) compilation programmes a few weeks back, and thinking 'They're quite good, aren't they?' You wouldn't want to listen to them, though. 4/10

Terence Trent Darby - If You Let Me Stay: sort of OK. See 5 Star. 4/10

Living in a Box - Living in a Box: This week's 'Oh, just f**k off'. 0/10

Mel and Kim - Respectable: one of SAW's better efforts. If someone ever asks you: "What actually IS Sod's Law?" You can tell them - Mel Appleby: dead at 23; Michael Gove: still alive at 53. 6/10

Judy Boucher - Can't Be With You Tonight: Gambacinni said that this song is forever associated with 'fitness guru' and all-round dickhead 'Mad Lizzy'. Now, I didn't know this (and more to the point, didn't care to know), so now OK, but soporific fine song will forever be associated in my mind with the poor woman's Green Goddess/Sue Becker*. Thanks, 'Gambo'. 4/10

Madonna - La Isla Bonita: not her finest moment, and as disappointing a Madonna number one as 'True Blue'. He first great number one would come two years later. 3/10

Programme as a whole: 1/10

Best song: I can't really put either Mozza's or Boner's song up as the video link, so I'm going with Madonna's finest eighties number one. (Click on the pic to play the song.)

Worst: 'Bonj'

 

*I'm really pushing it this week: if you understand that final reference you're either very old or clinically insane.