Don Williams – I Recall a Gypsy Woman: I was once at terrible party and one of my relatives asked me who the greatest songwriter in the world was, and before I had the chance to vomit in a vase or slit my wrists, he said: “MISTER Don Williams - that's who.” Respect where it's due. 1/10

Sensational Alex Harvey Band - Boston Tea Party: horrible record from one of the worst-named bands in the history of popular music. Repetitive, shit and sounding like the worst elements of Genesis or the equally horrible Marillion. 0/10

Hot Chocolate – Man to Man: another week, another awful Hot Chocolate song. 0/10

Liverpool Express – You Are My Love: fuck’s sake. Hurry up, punk rock.1/10

Thin Lizzy – The Boys are Back in Town: I liked Phil, and having racist, crap ‘funnyman' Lesley Crowther as your father-in-law can't have been a picnic. I remember Jerry Sadowitz’s borderline, surreal evil impression of Crowther (as I sat in fear on the front row). It was ace. Thin Lizzy - often great, but not for me. 7/10

T Rex - I Love to Boogie: not Marc’s finest effort. The magic had long gone. 3/10

Rod Stewart - Tonight's the Night: another week, another horrible Raaaahhhddd Stoo-wahrt (as the naturalized Briton Gambaccini would have it) record. 3/10

Dorothy Moore - Misty Blue: quite nice. 7/10

Bryan Ferry - Let's Stick Together: despite everything, I love Bryan, and have pretty much all he's recorded as a solo artist and with Roxy Music, both on vinyl, and – regrettably – CD. This record is insufferable – his muzzy and those ‘yelps' don't help, either. 0/10

Queen - You're My Best Friend: a rather sweet love song from John Deacon and his three UN sanction-busting mercenaries. 4/10

The Real Thing – You To Me Are Everything. I'd been saying it for years: The Real Thing are Liverpool's most underrated group. The recent BBC4 documentary was superb. This is a great Number 1 song. 9/10

The Manhattans – Kiss and Say Goodbye: an OK, old-fashioned slab of smoochy soul. 6/10

Doctor Hook - A Little Bit More: if you need to be sick in a hurry and don't have the necessary means of inducing vomitus, it might help to remember that this song is not in fact about a sort of chaste, romantic love, but is in fact a series of boasts about repeated acts of sexual intercourse.
From the Doctor Hook 'guys'.
Oh my dear, God, I'm going to be sick. 0/10

Candi Station - Young Hearts Run Free: much as I like The Real Thing's former number one, this is the best record (in this terrible chart). By a mile. A joyous piece of music that always hits the mark. 10/10

Elton John/Kiki Dee - Don't Go Breaking My Heart: "Uh, oh," says the appalling, ridiculously over-remunerated Gambaccini. "CLASSIC WARNING!" He really did! What a c***! I know someone who still really hates me for saying that "I didn't mind" this. Can't blame them. I don't know if it's Elton's suit, that (fucking) dance, or just everything about this total heap of shite that appals. 0/10

Demis Roussos - The Roussos Phenomenon: I think most people's go-to cultural moment for 'Forever and Ever' is Alison Steadman's awesome performance as the monstrous Beverly in 'Abigail's Party', but for a generation of other folk it's also tied in with a whole legion of desperate cabaret-style 70s 'comedians' demonstrating that Demis's rather nice falsetto was effected by having some sort of overalled worker, hiding under D's cassocky dress thing, and clasping the hirsuit Greek singer's testicles with a vice, pair of pincers or a clothes peg. Most of these 'funnymen' are now dead or in prison, whilst Alison Steadman goes from strength to strength in her old age. It just goes to show. 2/10

Gambaccini - 0/10
Programme as a whole: 4/10
Worst: "Going to a Par-Teh! Going to a Boston TEA PAR-TEH!" (Repeat forever)
Best: Candi