Robbie Williams - Supreme

The day I found out that students and the NME were not being ironic in their love of Robbie Williams was a particularly sobering moment for me. The sampling of 'I Will Survive' is particularly disturbing. Not much to say about this. 'Angels' is a great song, but the rest? Not for me. Never was. Never could be - even if I travelled back in time. 4/10

Toploader - Dancing in the Moonlight

It was like God or intelligent design had created a record just for me to hate. This reminds me of Chris Evans, Jamie Oliver and his pukka mates and other lifestyle horrors which blighted an entire generation. 0/10

Westlife - What Makes a Man?*

Jesus, these c**ty boy bands all but destroyed the charts with their covers and/or identikit, shitey, cynically marketed garbage singles. One of Westlife reminded me of a young Fulton McKay - and that's my entire emotional/intellectual engagement with their entire career/oeuvre.

AND there's an horrendous truck gear change towards the end. 0/10

*cheese

Destiny's Child - Independent Women (Part One)

I'm not sure if I can finish this chart. This is better than Westlife, but is that an endorsement? A song that not only namechecks its singers (always a bad sign), but one of those records that helped to usher in/maintain (forever) that horrific up-and-down the scales, fake emotive warbling seen on X Factor wannabes. 2/10

LeAnne Rhimes - Can't Fight the Moonlight

A decent chorus (if you like this sory of thing), but still, you know...crap.. 3/10

S Club 7 - Never Had a Dream Come True

Shit. This 'in the lead' at the moment. Quite a nice pop record - Cathy Dennis tries to match his Scandinavian heroes with a decent enough piece of songwriting (and producing). 5/10

Santos - Camels

I quite liked this at the time, and despite its (necessary) repetitiveness, it didn't get on my threepennies anywhere near as much as the rest of this week's dross. 7/10

Mis-Teeq - Why?

Indeed. 2/10

Bob the Builder - Can We Fix It?

BtB's chorus has quite a nice football hooligan chant aesthetic, but its pedestrian verse lyrics dissipate itd overall quality and its place in rock's pantheon of greats. One of three Morrisseys to make the UK charts. 1/10

Texas - Patience

I never really understood how Texas gravitated to rock's firmament. I've a feeling Chris Evans's on the hour/every hour rotation play might have had something to do with it.

This is quite good. 6/10

Feeder - Buck Rogers

I used to quite like this.

And then they sold it for some shitey advert(s).

Sorry, lads -  off the artistic register. 

Feeder - only the band Sum 41 could have been.

Or was it Blink 182?

2/10

Steps - The Thing You Do

Steps ditch Pete Waterman and produce a fairly nice record. Not much to say about these tracks. The charts had lost their relevance as a conduit/barometer for some of the nation's obsessions somewhere in the nineties, and this week's offerings are not exactly unpleasant - they're just dull. 4/10

Fragma - Every Time You Need Me

*shrugs shoulders*    3/10

Rui de Silva - Touch Me

Such trenchant, complex lyrics:

"Touch me in the morning

And last thing at night

Keep my body warm, baby - you know it feels right."

Christina Rosetti could have written that.

If she wanted to.

I quite enjoyed this: nice, ethereal, yearning vocals - and I bet it sounds loads better if you're ripped to the tits on Garys at three o'clock in the morning.

(Has cup of tea and biscuit*.)

*But NOT 'disco biscuit', as the young folks used to call them. 7/10

Jennifer Lopez - Love Don't Cost a Thing

Never understood the JLo phenomenon. She was always described as being 'hot' - perhaps she should have taken steps to cool down a bit. Put a fan on or something. I once saw her in a rubbish Jack Nicholson/Michael Caine film. She was the only good thing in it. Jesus, this is terrible music, though. No heart, no soul, no nothing. It reminds me of that photo of Cheryl and Ashley Cole standing by their Rolls Royce for some reason. Dated, boring and philosophically dodgy on so many levels. Horrible. 0/10

Gambaccini: his heart wasn't in it. Can't blame him this week. 6/10

Programme: 1/10 

Best: Santos

Worst: most of the rest of them

God, this was dull. Not as dull as a 2022 chart - obviously - but artless, and lacking in hardly anything that didn't smell of cynical, predictable music by committee.

And so that's my last 2000s. Ever.

Click on the link to hear Santos!