Cliff Richard – My Pretty One
There were any number of (at least) OK records floating outside of the Top 20 that Cheeny could have played as his joker/bubbling under card. So he chose Cliff. Yes, Cliff fucking Richard as his curveball artist. Sample lyrics of the Gollum anthem My Pretty One:

Pretty one, I long to hold you,
Through the night, Iwant to hold you;
Pretty one has no one told you
It’s you and only you, my pretty one.

Dylanesque. 0/10

Chris Rea – Let’s Dance
Chris Rea’s music reminds me of something like Spam and reheated mashed potatoes. It resembles food and could be described as food, but there’s nothing there that could sustain your spirit and make you glad to feel alive. Just shit, really. The sound of Middlesbrough made vinyl flesh. 2/10

Tom Jones – It’s Not Unusual
Re-released following Tom’s surprise Boy From Nowhere hit. Thanks to the efforts of Jonathan Ross, Tom Jones became kitsch again (after being about as popular as Michael Gove for twelve or so years) and he hasn’t looked back ever since. INU is a great record, but it belongs back in the sixties and is indicative of how absolutely shite this chart is. 2/10

Terence Trent-Darby – Wishing Well
The Beazer Homes League Prince. It’s OK, I suppose. 4/10

ABC – When Smokey Sings
“…I hear violings.” Good song. 7/10

Whitesnake - Is This Love?
Trousersnake in brooding mode. Not as horrible as their/his usual fare.

“Ah, so you like it then?” says the cartoon Satan on my shoulder. “Not at all,” says the Angel - looking and sounding very much like RMT union boss Mick Lynch. “I merely stated that the record wasn’t as sexist or unpleasant as their/his usual output. You really are a c*nt, Piers.” 3/10

Starship – Nothing’s Gonna Stop Us Now
From the almost (and justly) forgotten Andrew McCarthy ‘movie’ Mannequin. Terrible, but one of the few songs which references poor quality comedy/action TV show ‘Hart to Hart’.

Next time I’m up for an audition, I’m going to do a scene from Andrew McCarthy ‘movie’ Pretty in Pink (with some sort of puppet for the McCarthy/Jon Cryer/James Spader dialogue – I’ll be Molly Ringwold, obviously) as my calling card. 1/10

Curiosity Killed The Cat - Misfit
Down to Earth was quite good; this is a pedestrian, er, re-tread. Dull. 3/10

Samantha Fox – Nothing’s Gonna Stop Me Now
Fucking hell. 0/10

John Farnham – The Voice
“We’re all someone’s daughter; we’re all some one’s son…” bellows Dagenham ‘Aussie’ Mr Farnham, with a level of profundity to make Bertrand Russell spin in his grave with sheer jealousy.
And then he proceeds with THE anti-war message of the eighties:
“How long…can we look at each other down the barrel of a gun?”
If the Vietnam war hadn’t ended in 1975, it would have stopped immediately once the Khmer Rouge had heard this.
Brilliantly, there’s a bagpipes solo somewhere in the middle of this shite, but fondly-remembered song. 3/10

Pet Shop Boys -  It’s a Sin
Neil and Chris steal heavily from Cat Stevens’ Wild World for what will surely become their best-remembered song (thanks to the important but not brilliant Channel 4 series which bore its name).
Much as I like the PSB, I’m not a huge fan of this song. 5/10

Bruce Willis – Under the Boardwalk
Likeable actor cashes in on his Moonlighting fame and releases an anaemic but not unpleasant version of The Drifters’ 1964 classic. Not as good as the Gary Numan version. Obviously. 3/10

Whitney Houston – I Wanna Dance With Somebody
A fucking great single. And Whitney looks ace in the video. 10/10

The Firm – Star Trekkin’
I wonder if Captain Kirk caught old-fashioned VD from any of the aliens with whom he enjoyed intimacy? I’d like to think so. 0/10

Gambaccini: 0/10
Programme as a whole: even Escoffier couldn’t make a tasty omelette with bad eggs, so 'Gambo' had no chance. 2/10
Best Record: Whitney
Worst: lots of rubbish, but again, nothing hateful.

Click on the link to hear the song...