Oh God, it's 1986 again. Pop goes plop after the pernicious effects of Live Aid kick in.

"We want stars! We want the old guard back in their rightful place at the top of pop firmament!" the clearly-manipulated kids cry out.

Anyway, this week's shitefest is one grim ordeal, believe me...

The Pet Shop Boys - Opportunities: I don't mind the PSB in short doses, but this is awful and rips off Hot Gossip's 'I Lost My Heart to a Starship Trooper'. Yes, it's THAT inspired. 3/10

Janet Jackson - Nasty: sort of OK for the first minute. Then not. 3/10

Peter Gabriel - Sledgehammer: Jesus, I really detest Peter Gabriel. I don't know if it's his horrible voice or this fucking horrible record or just every post-Genesis song (and the vast majority of his during-Genesis songs) he ever sung or wrote. I even hate the claymation video. My favourite 'Gabriel' song is by ex-Hefner front man Darren Hayman's band The French. 'Gabriel in the Airport' is ace and REALLY puts the boot into 'Plasticine video guy'. 0/10

Bananarama - Venus: 0/10

Queen - Friends: fucking hell. 0/10

Madonna - Papa Don't Preach: I love Madonna Ciccone, but this is terrible and best thought of as part of Father Dougal's attempt to say the Lord's Prayer. 3/10

Robert Palmer - Addicted to Love: it's like God created a chart just to punish me. 0/10

Simply Red - Holding Back the Years: it's like God created a chart just to punish me. 0/10

Buck's Fizz - New Beginning (Mamba Seyra) - Fuck's Bizz (SWIDT?) go all 'world music'. Indeed. The best record so far this week. And - obviously - it's (still) CRAP. 3/10

Owen Paul - My Favourite Waste of Time: mullet-headed, former Celtic FC reserve covers Bette Midler song. Surprisingly pleasant. 6/10

A-Ha - Hunting High and Low: when my brain stops functioning properly and I get a strange craving for nostalgia, I occasionally listen to an internet punk/new wave channel. Amongst the Buzzcocks, PiL and related acts, this song is (mystifyingly) thrown into the mix. Hideous. 0/10

Amazulu - Too Good to Be Forgotten: quite a lovely version of the Chi-Lites' mid-seventies hit. Extra point always given to any band who appeared on The Young Ones. 6/10

The Housemartins - Happy Hour: despite quite liking The Housemartins, this record makes me feel physically sick. 0/10

Nu Shooz - I Can't Wait: the only genuinely good record in this week's chart. 7/10

Wham - The Edge of Heaven: 0/10

Gambaccini: can't blame him for this week's chart. No, come to think of it, I can. 6/10
Programme as a whole: I can quite unequivocally say that this is the worst chart I've heard on this programme. 0/10
Worst Record: Palmer/Gabriel/Simply Red/Queen
Best: Nu Shooz

I don't want to link any on the chart this week, so it's The French's 'Gabriel in the Airport' as 'Video Song of the Week'!