Blondie - The Island of Lost Souls: the game is almost up for an incredible singles band. A mostly rubbish record, slightly redeemed by Deborah's lovely 'Where did he go?' refrain. 5/10

Junior - Mama Used to Say: OK record, but a terrible chorus. 4/10

Hot Chocolate - Girl Crazy: crap. 1/10

Spandau Ballet - Instinction: a) There's no such fucking word as 'Instinction' - why didn't anyone tell them? b) Hadley's voice - dear God - all the subtlety of a lit fart; c) "Stealing cake to eat the moon." Jesus. 2/10

Kim Wilde - View from the Bridge: for thirty years or so I had to correct the title of Arthur Miller's Brooklyn-based tragedy because this title had leeched into the country's collective consciousness and forever replaced the indefinite with the definite. KW's vocal is awful. A piss-poor record. Can't take any more. 0/10

Simple Minds - Promised You a Miracle: their breakthrough hit from the magical 'New Gold Dream' album. My favourite band from 1979-1982. Hard to describe the cult band fan's anguish when his/her love goes nova. A great single. 8/10

Yazoo - Only You: most people think of The Office when they hear this; for me, it's inextricably linked with 'Cheggers Plays Pop'. A lovely pop single. 7/10

Monsoon - Ever So Lonely: 'Sheila Chandra' is an ace pop star name. A good pop song. 7/10

Haircut 100 - Fantastic Day: Nick was on the 'Now 80s' Channel the other night. He looked in splendid shape for his age. In fact, he was in 'good Nick'  - and that's the last twatty pun you'll ever see on this site, I promise you (a miracle). 5/10

Shalamar - I Can Make You Feel You Good: an ace trio; a good pop song. 7/10

Nicole - A Little Peace: surprisingly pleasant Eurovision winner. 4/10

Bananarama/Fun Boy 3 - Really Saying Something: this seemed to go on for hours. Horrible. 1/10

Joan Jett and the Blackhearts - I Love Rock and Roll: music for cretins. Shit. 0/10

PhD - I Won't Let You Down: I remember the NME review of PhD's album; it consisted of just two words: 'Phucking Dreadful'. I know a (then) young gentleman who bought this song thinking it to be the work of a black female soul singer. He was crestfallen when I put him out of his misery. 1/10

England World Cup Squad - This Time We'll Get It Right: once you take out the Tory party, the Labour right and centrists, Lawrence Fox, Philip Schofield and Eamonn Holmes, the worst human being in the UK is undoubtedly Peter Shilton, a Tory/'Our Boys' /Royalty arse-licking Brexiter, and a man so lacking in education, self-awareness and basic understanding that he makes the just-released Kaspar Hauser look like Tim Berners-Lee. 0/10

Paul McCartney and Stevie Wonder - Ebony and Ivory: possibly the worst number one of the eighties. What on earth possessed them? The daft bastards. 0/10

Gambaccini: didn't play the BA Robertson-penned 'I Have a Dream', so point gained. 4/10
Best Song: Simple Minds (click on the link to hear the song) 
Worst: I Love Rock and Roll/the Kim Wilde effort/Peter Shilton/McCartney and Wonder
Programme as a whole: 6/10

And remember: it's only pop music!