1984 - the POTPs from this year are always terrible, and despite all of the records originating in 1983, just the proximity of 1984 made them all shit...

Gas masks on, we're going in.

UB40 - Many Rivers to Cross

You know when you wait ages for something good - and somebody spoils it? That. 1/10

Snowy White - Sweet Bird of Paradise

'Snowy White' - rhyming slang. 1/10

Joe Fagin - That's Livin' Alright

Joe Fagin - one of several hoary old cabaret bluesy rockers who gave themselves homophonic names based on former Liverpool FC managers (see also Bill Shanklee, Bob Paizlee and 'Filthy' Phil Tayla*). I don't want to hyperbolise so early into POTP 2022, but there won't be a worse record this year. Quite simply, THIS IS FUCKING TERRIBLE, and almost as bad as Christopher Fairburn's portrayal of 'Moxy' in the series from which this utter dribbling shite originated. 0/10

Tina Turner - Let's Stay Together

Nowhere near as good as Al Green's original, but T's version is slowly growing on me. It's only been 38 years. 6/10

Kool and the Gang - Straight Ahead

I ought to really like KATG, but they're the Stanley Soccer Earth Wind and Fire. 3/10

Shak(e)y and Bonnie - A RockingGoodWay

You know when you wait ages for something good - and someone comes round, smashes your house up, batters you and then doesn't flush after a particularly horrific 'sit down toilet'? That. I'd forgotten that Mr Shaking and Ms Tyler refer to each other by their diminutive sobriquets during the course of this record. A new level of Hell opens up. I don't want to hyperbolise so early onto POTP 2022, but there won't be a worse record this year. Quite simply, THIS IS FUCKING TERRIBLE  and almost as bad as Christopher Fairburn's portayal of 'Moxy' from 'Auf Wiedersehn Pet', from which this utter dribbling shite didn't originate. 0/10

Michael Jackson - Thriller

Jesus, I really hate this record. 0/10

The Flying Pickets - Only You

0/10

Islands in the Stream - Dolly and Kenny

It starts, it goes on a bit, it ends. 3/10

Relax - FGTH

I did this one last year (because it was number one for so long). A fabulous record. 10/10

Paul Young - Love of the Common People

I really liked Nicky Thomas's original, but then again, I was only little. The success of 'soul singer' Paul Young was as depressing as it was predictable. This Is vaguely OK. 4/10

Billy Joel - Tell Her About It

I'm just getting depressed now. 0/10

Status Quo - Marguerita Time

One of the Brexity/Tories' less offensive numbers. Still shit, mind. 3/10

Howard Jones - What Is Love?

"STOP GETTING SYNTH POP WRONG!"

The Cornish pasty of electropop's second dreary single. Extra point for the Paris-based locations in the video - especially the shots of my favourite Metro station (the very beautiful Abesses). 2/10

Paul McCartney - Pipes of Peace

"All round the world,

Little children being born - to the world."

Lyric rhyming never reached these peaks again.

A nice pop song that's almost impossible to imagine without thinking of the video. 5/10

Gambaccini 0/10

Programme as a whole: 0/10

Best: Frankie

Worst: Fagin

*If you understand all elements of this gag, you ought to get out more. Really.

I'm not putting FGTH up again, so to celebrate David's 75th birthday, here's TTWD on top form:

(Click on the pic to hear the song.)