Ozzy Osbourne - A Shot in the Dark

Sort of a metal, heavy/poodle Americanised rock melange. It's sort of OK if you like sort of half-arsed metal, heavy/poodle Americanised rock melanges. Shite, really. 2/10

Survivor - Burning Heart

Grace Jones's ace and very rude (someone explained it recently - I'm right, naïve, me) 'Pull Up to the Bumper' was on its way down, so 'Gambo' played this one instead. As you are probably aware, 'Burning Heart' is EXACTLY THE SAME SONG AS 'EYE OF THE BASTARD TIGER'.

Terrible beyond belief. 0/10

Diana Ross - Chain Reaction

Barry Gibb squeaking in the background excepted, this is a fine record. And dead rude. As I say, I'm right naïve, me.

But happy. 7/10

Dire Straits - The Walk of Life

Don't know if it's the c**ty organ sound or Knopfler doing his 'woo-hoos' that boils my piss most.

A f***ing horrible record. 0/10

Steve Harley/Sarah Brightman -The Phantom of the Opera

PIL's excellent 'Rise' went up eight places, but The Arsehole 'Disc Jockey' wouldn't play it for some reason.  TPOTO is a ghastly record - obviously - and made much worse by Steve Harley's bizarre trademark vocal stylings. Why wasn't Frank Spencer on this record? 0/10

Whitney Houston - How Will I Know?

"How will I know what's in the top ten?" says The Arsehole Disc Jockey as his genius intro to this song. That's YOUR licence fee they're spending, you know.

I'm not a huge fan of Whitney's music - it's just a little soulless and antiseptic for my liking, but this is (sort of) OK. 4/10

Double - The Captain of Her Heart

TADJ practiced his comedy stylings with a riff about the possible different ways of pronouncing this Swiss duo's name. It was hilarious. The Swiss didn't give women the vote until 1974. That's one of the many reasons why they make such shit pop music. 1/10

AHA - The Sun Always Shines on TV

It doesn't.

A truly crap and portentous former number one that seems to go on forever. On its way down, but played with relish by TADJ. 0/10

James Brown - Living in America

It's such a pity that this is usually the first song that most people think of when they think of James Brown. I still haven't seen Rocky iv (rhymes with 'give'), but I have seen the spin-off Rocky film set in Goodison Park where - although they're not actually playing - Everton still manage to lose*. 6/10

*But not today! Huzzah!

The Damned - Eloise

An ace version of Barry Ryan's original. I love The Damned. 8/10

Five Star - System Addict

I doubt if I'd ever play any of their music of my own volition, but 5 Star were a talented bunch and unfairly looked down upon because of their financial shenanigans and their 80s-ness. Harmless (but not very good) pop music. 3/10

Madonna - Borderline

A charming pop song from a great pop star. 7/10

Billy Ocean - When The Going Gets Tough

Oh, God. No. One of the worst number one records of the 80s. 0/10

Gambaccini - Just terrible this week. 0/10

Programme as a whole: 2/10

Best song: (very) slim pickings, but The Damned.

Worst song: Survivor

click on the link to hear the song