Michael Jackson - Beat It

Just awful. And worse still it reminds me of that ghastly unfunny twat Weird* Al Yankovich.

Which in turn reminds of the way that Americans pronounce 'yoghurt'.

And the way they drop the 'h' in 'herbs'.

0/10

*A better, more apposite adjective for the wacky funster would be 'Shit'.

U2 - Two Hearts Beat As One

Boy was such a brilliant album. I think I lost interest in Boner, Hedge, Barry and Alan when I finally sat down and listened to October (although Gloria is fabulous) in 1981.

This one's practically unlistenable.

Conventional rock music just reminds me of Spam (not the useless email variety, but the chemically infused flesh of a sentient creature. In a tin).

Or Pek Chopped Pork.

1/10

New Order - Blue Monday

I've just never liked this; it's obviously a great record  but it goes on forever and ever - and it's really fucking miserable.

I wish New Order had released Your Silent Face from the Power, Corruption and Lies album as a single.

Now, that's a really beautiful track. 6/10

Farage - apropos of nothing, but a constant reminder of what Joe British Public looks up to.

Orange Juice - Rip It Up

"Did you have your daily orange juice?" says poet genius Gambaccini as his intro.

What a tit.

I remember seeing Orange Juice mainman Edwyn Collins supporting Father John Misty at the Piece Hall in Halifax on a sunny summer Saturday four years ago. The Orielles were also on the bill. On my death bed, I'll nominate that day as one of the best happiest of my life.

Rip It Up? The distillation of the purest joy in three and half genius minutes.

A fantastic record.

10/10

Edwyn at the Piece Hall (26.5.18)

Kenny Everett - The Snot Rap

Fuck off. 0/10

Church of the Poisoned Mind

With a riff stolen from Echo and the Bunnymen's The Back of Love, Culture Club's disappointing first single of 1983 meanders from a to b and then it's over. 5/10

Bonnie Tyler - Total Eclipse of the Heart

Beloved of advertising 'creatives' and their arch, ironic, hilarious ads,  TEOTH is rubbish, but not Meatloaf-grade rubbish (though from the same, uncleaned out stable). The sort of classic that makes Gambaccini flood his (fawn) Action Slacks

0/10

Kajagoogoo - Ooh to Be Ah

I actually felt embarrassed typing that title. The difficult second single from Chris, Nick and the boys - and it's shite! I reckon the PG Tips chimps would have made a good fist of this song - what, with all the 'Oohs' and that (but not the other practices* that tend to stereotype this most marvellous of primates).

*Furiously masturbating and faeces flinging, mainly. (But also drinking from the spouts of teapots.)

1/10

A chimp (yesterday).

Tracy Ullman - Breakaway

I thought she was great in 'Curb', but I'm not generally a fan. I remember seeing a copy of Breakaway in a record shop (the best place to see it, I suppose) at the time, and if ever a non-Toto Coelo record screamed out 'destined for the bargain bin' it was this one. 2/10

Eurythmics - Sweet Dreams

Nowhere near as good as their first, failed single, the brilliant Love Is a Stranger, but it's the one Joe Public took to its hearts.

And you know what they're like.

6/10

The Style Council - Speak Like a Child

Not sure why Paul Weller gave a long A sound to his titular indefinite article, but this was a good (but not great) start to his post-Jam career.

7/10

JoBoxers - Boxer Beat

I used to quite like this for some reason. It sounded rubbish today. Repetition is the curse of the bad pop song. (As Kwai Chang Kane once stated in Kung Fu.) 4/10

Duran Duran - Is There Something I Should Know?

I've had Planet Earth in one of my singles boxes for 41 years now. I must have some vestigial affection for them. 4/10

David Bowie - Let's Dance

Let's Dance (the album) finally broke the run of consecutive brilliant David Bowie albums which had stretched back to 1970 (if you exclude Pin Ups) and had magically and indelibly coloured an entire decade. That strange, indefinable magic just wasn't there, and my relationship with Let's Dance (the single) seems to change year by year. I can't listen to this song too often, but when it emerges - occasionally and unexpectedly - it's phenomenal.

That explosion of sound is almost overwhelming, and I remember it bursting and combusting across the dance floor of Liverpool's State Ballroom with an almost visceral feeling of being there again.

I listen to every David Bowie album at least once every year, but Let's Dance will never be a favourite -  and worse still, it means Tonight and Never Let Me Down are looming on the horizon.

As suggested in Life on Mars (the TV show), nobody's Back to the Future would be 1973, but occasionally, there's a reminder that some seventies things were better than others. 10/10

Gambaccini: 0/10

Programme as a whole: 7/10

Worst song: Kenny Everett

Best: Is Let's Dance better than Rip It Up? I'd say ' no', but as Edwyn was featured the last time this year and month turned up, the video link has to be....