Oh God, it's 1985 again.

Fine Young Cannibals - Johnny Come Home: what a miserable record. Much better it you sing Roland Gift's vocal as Max Wall. 3/10

Five Star - All Fall Down: of their time  and agreeably nothingy. 3/10

Depeche Mode - Shake the Disease: not their finest moment, but compared to the crap that's on offer this week.. . I remember a letter in the Radio Times from some woman who'd seen this on Top of the Pops and was pining for "the days when pop songs had lovely titles like 'She Loves You' and 'When I Fall in Love' - which begs the question: "Why were you reading the Radio Times, you sad bastard?" 6/10

Mai Tai - History: now, this is more like it. A great record. 8/10

Stephen Tin Tin Duffy - Icing on the Cake:

"You were left on the doorstep
Of the social security
You were hoping for a future
Not a leisure refugee."

A man who rightly embraces the name 'Stephen' (f**k off 'Morrissey') Another great record this week. No wonder he left Duran Duran. 9/10

Go West - Call Me: it's 1985, so the run of great records can't continue. A terrible, almost emetic record. Everything that's wrong about eighties music in one foul-smelling package. 0/10

Scritti Politti - The Word Girl: possibly my favourite record cover and an astonishing, beautiful pop song. A subtly political song about male/female relationships, semiotics and semantics, and (rightly) their/Green's biggest hit. 10/10

Billy Ocean - Suddenly: it's bad enough that there's ONE version of 'Hello, Is It Me You' re Looking For?', but TWO? Not the worst record this week, though. Oh, no! 0/10

Katrina and the Waves - Walking on Sunshine: I love Principal Skinner's version of this, where he sings about finally "having coitus - on a school night!" I don't love this version. 0/10

Animotion - Obsession: go away. 0/10

Gary Moore/Phil Lynott - Out in the Fields: it's bad enough that ONE version of Iron Maiden's 'Run to the Hills' exists, but TWO ? 0/10

Gerry Marsden and Some Other ***ts -  You'll Never Walk Alone: fucking hell. 0/10

Marillion - Kayleigh: terrible, obviously, but almost like a breath of fresh air after that last monstrosity. . 2/10

Duran Duran - A View to a Kill: not great, but by no means the worst Bond theme (platitude klaxon!). 5/10

Paul Hardcastle - 19: Tory Brexity arsehole (tautology klaxon!) Paul and his song were smeared all over 1985 like a particularly messy dirty protest. One of the worst records - no, make that 'things' - ever 0/10

Gambaccini: see Animotion 0/10
Programme as a whole: 3/10
Best Song: Scritt Politti
Worst - Hardcastle/Marsden