Genesis – Paperlate

I wasn’t sure what ‘paperlate’ was supposed to mean, so I looked up the lyrics to see if they’d shed some light on this game-changing single:

Paperlate paperlate
Paperlate paperlate

Paperlate, oh I'm sorry but there is no one on the line
Paperlate, oh I'm sorry but rest easy no news is good news

Boss, aren’t they?  2/10

The actor Dave Winchester as Mista Crawf-add in Tyne TV's popular 1977 drama The Paperlates.

Joan Jett and the Blackhearts – I Love Rock and Roll

In the 1970s, Granada TV produced a number of tea-time pop programmes ranging from the terrible and inexcusable (but fondly remembered) Get it Together, to the good-by-accident Marc. At one stage, non-threatening American rock band The Arrows were given their own series and one of the by-products was the original version of I Love Rock and Roll. I had my first listen to it in some 46 years yesterday. It was quite good. Joan Jett’s version is one of those cloth-eared, amp-up-to-eleven, about-as-rebellious as anyone who performed for Her Maj yesterday (my goodness, you have no idea how much I detest Elbow), so beloved of U.S. sporting audiences and, well, twats.

Hideous. 0/10

1971 'Op Knocks' winner Neil Reid (top of the board, not Hughie f****** Green) - genuinely more threatening and rebellious than I Love Rock and Roll.

Charlene – I’ve Never Been To Me

“I’ve been undressed by kings,

And I’ve seen some things,

That a woman ain’t s’posed to see.”

Christina Rossetti could have written that.

Simple. Haunting. Beautiful. 0/10

The Associates – Club Country

Just a fucking brilliant record.

“The fault is … I can find no fault in you.”

(Genuinely) simple, haunting and beautiful. 10/10

The much-missed Billy Mackenzie.

Blondie - Island of Lost Souls

A really disappointing single for the majority of its running time, but then Deborah sings:

“Where did he go?
I’m tired of waiting here for him.”

And just for a moment the world is a better place again.

And in terms of other disappointments, the cover of The Hunter (IOLS’s parent album) is up there with David Bowie’s Never Let Me Down as an example of artwork that should have been Graham Sutherlanded. 5/10

Patrice Rushen – Forget Me Nots

Most people only think of Patrice through this (admittedly splendid) single, but aficionados would point you towards her brilliant 1979 album Pizzazz as a starting point. An incredible voice and an outstanding talent, unfairly dismissed as a one-hit wonder.  8/10

"DAY-VID! What the f***ing hell are you doing? Now stop being silly and go and do the proper cover."

Nicole – A Little Peace

A tedious, but not hateful Eurovision winner with a massive, rubbish, truck driver's gear change inserted to inject some artificial urgency into the turgid proceedings. 3/10

Jim Diamond – I Won’t Let You Down

My favourite NME album review:
PhD
Phucking Dreadful.

(When Barbara Ellen was quite good!) 1/10

DuranDuran – Hungry Like the Wolf

Gambaccini almost sprayed his jumbo cords when he announced that DD would be playing tonight’s royalty-grovelling extravaganza.
An unbelievably shite record from a loathsome band.

Fuck off. 0/10

"....and I'm Henry like 'The Woolf'!"

(If you understand this gag/pun, you really need to get out more.)

Junior – Mama Used to Say

I generally really like this era of soulful UK new funk, but I’m not a fan of this. 4/10

Tight Fit – Fantasy Island

I was going to slag this off, but it sounds like a Greaty Market Abba knockoff. Good chorus, as well.
I feel unclean now. 4/10

ABC – The Look of Love

Martin Fry was on Breakfast TV this week (the BBC/Pravda version) and was in really good nick. Not my favourite track from the awesome Lexicon of Love album, but decent enough. 7/10

Yazoo – OnlyYou

A charming New Pop love song which has been somewhat culturally over-exposed the years, but it was great to hear it again today. A song I’ll always associate with Cheggers Plays Pop. 7/10

"You need to get this into your thick, believe-anything-you're-told skulls: the term 'Her Majesty' is completely neutral, and in no way designed to modify your thought processes in favour of the most ridiculously unjust system in the so-called 'First World'. And when we talk about 'Charles', 'Kate', 'William' and so on, we're slowly drip-feeding a soap opera diet whereby you think they're your mates - even though they wouldn't piss on you if you were on fire, you idiotic, servile, brainwashed, lickspittles.

And now here's Sally with the sport..."

SoftCell – Torch

Marc also turned up on Breakfast TV lately (the BBC/Royalty Propaganda version) looking not quite so chipper as Martin Fry, but God bless him anyway. My goodness this week’s POTP has gone seriously good. Another brilliant single. 9/10

Adam Ant – Goody Two Shoes

I performed my New Romantic/Adam Ant poem at the Secret Circus’s excellent The Queen’s Jubblies event last night. There’s an Adam Ant gag/reference in the poem that only serious weirdoes would get and I was made up when I heard somebody’s evil laughter from the back of the marquee.
My job was done.
7/10

Madness – House of Fun

Another inextricably linked with record - and HOF will always inextricably linked with The Young Ones' trip to the pub in Boring.

Good stuff. 7/10

The Young Ones - Boring - the ferocity of actor Pauline Melville's  (Vyvyan's mum) enunciation of "Zit face!" can still be felt some forty years later.

Programme as a Whole: some tremendous records interrupted by adverts for Radio 2’s ghastly arse-licking Jubilee shows - and the creepiness of Gambacccini never fails to pall, but… 8/10

Best Record: Billy just edges it this week

Worst: I’d love to say Duran Duran, but the Joan Jett record is just too horrible to even think about.