Womack and Womack - Love Wars

Linda and Cecil (pronounced See-sill) provide a classy opening to what looks like being another crappy 1984 chart. 8/10

S.O.S. Band - Just Be Good to Me

Maybe my initial fears will be allayed. Another classy slab of mid-80s chart soul. 

Which begs the question: why is 1984 non-MOBO chart music (usually) so f***ing awful?

8/10

Rufus and Chaka Khan: Ain't Nobody

Pop genius. A fantastic voice and a brilliant, slinky, hypnotic arrangement. I can just see even the most unwilling dancers gravitating towards the dance floor when hearing the first, siren-call bars of this... 10/10

Deniece Williams - Let's Hear it For the Boy

A bit meh - but not SHITE. 5/10

Julio Inglesia and Willie Nelson - To All the Girls I've Loved Before

Now this IS shite. 'Willie Nelson', like 'Dick Emery' is one of THE great fancy dress costumes for those people who are operating on a tight budget. (An eye patch or a strip of sand paper and you're away!) 0/10

Jocelyn Brown - Somebody Else's Guy

A bit 'look at me', show-offy and stage school before the music kicks in, but decent nevertheless. 7/10

Belle and the Devotions - Love Games

Pedestrian but not-unpleasant UK Eurovision loser. In no way ripping off Abba's Angel Eyes, and in no way ripped off by Barry Gibb for Chain Reaction. 5/10

The Human League - The Lebanon

"Before the camp he stops -

And where there used to be some shops."

"F***ing hell, Phil; that's shit, mate," I would have loved to have said to him back in '84.

And I love the League, me. 3/10

Kenny Loggins - Footloose

Just really horrible in every way, shape and form. 0/10

Bob Marley - One Love

It's OK, but other reggae artists are available. 5/10

OMD - Locomotion

They were the first synth band I ever saw in Eric's (or anywhere else come to think of it) and Electricity can still hit me with a Proustian rush like few other records.

But my goodness, this is LAST. 0/10

The Pointer Sisters - Automatic

Q "But is it a man or a woman?"

A " A more pertinent question would be 'Are you a twat or a c**t?"

An ace pop song. 8/10

Queen - I Want to Break Free

"GOD KNOWS - God knows I want to break the U.N.'s cultural boycott of South Africa. For money."

Britain's future national treasures continue to slog their way through the 80s in cabaret mould. A terrible song made worse by Brian May's horrific solo which sounds like glove puppet dog Sweep pulling off. 0/10

Phil Collins - Against All Odds

Every time Gambaccini says that a record "was a former American number one", you just know it's going to be soul crushing. A shit record from an even worse film. 1/10

Duran Duran - The Reflex

The gag reflex.

See what I did there? 3/10

Gambaccini: 0/10

Programme as a whole: I just couldn't face writing about last week's turd fest (1989), and wasn't looking forward to this week. Some great soul/dance records saved the day. 6/10

Worst Song: Loggins

Best: Chaka/Rufus

Click on the pic to hear the song…