Bizarrely, I've never 'done' 1989 before.

And f-me, I'm not doing it again.

Adeva - Respect

Pat Daniels (as she was) had a cool haircut and had a hit with this soulless, but reasonably OK tribute to Aretha Franklin.

5/10 NEXT!

Mica Paris/Will Downing - Where Is The Love?

Two good singers cover Roberta Flack/Peabo Bryson's (slightly better) original. Decent, but essentially pointless.

Talking of which, have you ever witnessed Alexander Armstrong's 'banter' with Richard Osman? Jesus, my toes end up like Ali Bongo's stage footwear on the rare occasions I make the advert foray from The Chase.

6/10

Ten City - That's The Way Love Is

...she said with an almost supernatural vindictive relish, as she left me partnerless and friendless beneath the slate grey skies, and looking into the opaque void of a particularly godless stretch of the Liverpool/Leeds canal.

On a Wednesday - the worst of all days - an' all.

Terrible 'Hit Man and Her' music. 2/10

Brother Beyond - Be My Twin

My favourite piece of writing for WSAG featured both Brother Beyond and being hit by what I incorrectly thought was a replica mediaeval adze by a wronged girlfriend.

The fact that I still prefer new music to the old stuff tells me that my love of pop music never diminished, and that though I was no teenager during the heyday of this chart  I still recognised my wheat from the chaff (see 'mediaeval adze; uses of), and that my original assertion that this week's chart is FUCKING SHIT was essentially correct.

Stock Aitken and Waterman (see 'Hitman and Her'; uses of) stink up this chart like a diarrhetic Bernard Manning in a lift. 0/10

Rob Base and DJ EZ Rock  - It Takes Two

ODFO. 0/10

The Blow Monkeys (Featuring Kym Mazelle) - Wait

Robert Howard (yet again) rewrites 'Digging Your Scene' to ever-diminishing returns. Terrible.

1/10

Waiting For a Star - Boy Meets Girl

The 'band' name sounds like something you would have heard on the St Francis de Sales social club (Liverpool's own Viper Rooms), or one of the 'turns' on The Dockers Club (Liverpool's own Studio 54) on Townsend Lane. A song turned down by Whitney Houston on account of it sounding exactly like (the terrible) 'How Will I Know?' - which was also written by the husband and wife team behind Boy Meets Girl (Ethel Boy and Ron Girl).

My God,  what a f***ing hideous chart. 0/10

Love Train - Holly Johnson

Lifeless, almost SAW-style single from the admirable Billy Johnson that somehow got to number four in the charts. 4/10

Kylie and Jason - Especially For You

It's not just that this record is shit (and SAW shit), but Neighbours was shit, and people waxing lyrical and all nostalgic about Harold Bishop, Bouncer and whoever/whatever was in Neighbours is equally shit.

Shit. 0/10

Roy Orbison - You Got It

A good record, released a couple of weeks after the much-loved singer's death. The song betrays its Tom Petty/Jeff Lynne origins, but is saved by the majesty of Roy's voice. 7/10

Roachford - Cuddly Toy

A decent, 'urgent' chorus, but you wouldn't want to listen to this for pleasure. 4/10

Fine Young Cannibals - She Drives Me Crazy

I quite like the FYC and the sparseness of this record, but it's only OK. An American number one. 5/10

Mike and the Mechanics - The Living Years

For some inexplicable reason I was watching TVAM with Anne and Nick (the three of us were very close) back in '89 and R*lf H****s (the filthy bastard) was one of the guests. Mike and the Mechanics (what an absolute genius name for such a brilliant band) were miming to TLY and R*lf (the filthy bastard) - remembering his own dad - started crying. A pity he didn't cry for his victims. The filthy bastard.

Anyway, The Living Years - 'sensitive' music for Clarksons.

Ghastly. 0/10

Marc Almond/Gene Pitney - Something's Gotten Hold of My Heart

I love Marc. Not a fan of whiny Gene, though and this record (though a UK number one) is (rightly) disappearing from memory.

Because it's crap. 3/10

Gambaccini: Im getting old. 7/10

Show as a whole: you can't make a tasty omlelette from dead rats and rotting vegetables: 0/10

Best: nothing

Worst: Kylie and Jason/M and the M's

Like 1989, I've never done this before, but the one great record in the charts wasn't played (not that it's stopped 'Gambo' before), so Record of the Week is Neneh Cherry's splendid 'Buffalo Stance'

Click on the pic to hear the track...